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a derivative discourse
Monday, June 4, 2007
6:24PM - Fleeting
It's been a long while since I've had the time to post. Things have been cropping left and right and much of my time has been occupied by putting out fires. This weekend was the first in a while where I felt like I had some time to breathe. Justifiably, I spent it recovering instead of doing other things.
Like being social. As usual, my journaling suffers.
It's okay though. I haven't had much to journal about as of late (or, more specifically, not much that I want to journal about). Life is good, however, in many ways and I cannot help but sit back sometimes and wonder at the little twists of fate that confront us along our meanderings.
Perhaps the most telling part is that I have stopped waiting for the other shoe to drop. There will be hard times and there will be good times. No sense worrying about these now. The job is good, the friends are good, the weather (Saturday at least) is good. There is nothing that I can think of beyond those fundamental truths.
calmWednesday, May 30, 2007
4:05PM - Overdue
Completely, insanely too busy. I have been running a little more ragged lately than I care to. I would put together a more complete post, but I'm honestly a little bit frazzled as is and don't feel like all that much of note has happened.
Perhaps tomorrow.
exhaustedMonday, May 7, 2007
1:36PM - Reassuring Constants
I have filled the pages of my journal with volumes and volumes of angst, semi and pure, as well as the dull chronicles of my life day after day. I feel like the obvious positives that dominate in my life get lost in the shuffle. It is nice that, day after day, there are some reassuring constants in my life.
I have my health. I am not in amazing shape, but I don't get winded when I sprint to work in my dress shoes.
I have my mind. I definitely feel as sharp as I ever had, even though I do feel like I don't get nearly as much sleep as I would like.
I have a great job that will give me a great shot at any future career that I might choose.
I have amazing coworkers. Nuff said.
I have awesome friends. It is rare that I can say that I have far too many things to do on the weekend.
And finally, I still can make a pretty girl laugh.
Any day that I can make those claims, I'm doing pretty darned well.
cheerfulWednesday, April 25, 2007
8:04AM - Crab apple
Yesterday was the first time in a rather long time that I managed to get to the gym, which was a nice way to end the week. I admit that I haven't been very good lately about the entire exercise thing. I had lured myself into believing that the good weather meant that I somehow was exercising more. A laughable prospect, to be sure, but a seductive one. After several days of insomnia and generalized grumpiness, I realized that lying out in the park did not in fact count as exercise.
The past few days have been kinda nice. Days haven't been too long and I've had the rather singular pleasure of making a couple new friends. Admittedly, the circumstances of meeting were somewhat peculiar, but I rarely make demands for when and how I meet people.
So far, I am not certain this is how I expected my life to turn out...but so far it's not been a bad way to go about it.
awake, barelyFriday, April 20, 2007
2:17PM - Flying Solo
It's a wonderfully sunny day outside, causing me to dawdle over my lunch a little longer than truly necessary. Luckily, it's been something of a slow day in the office. I admit that I haven't done a wonderful job searching out work to do but I've been rather occupied with staring out the window at the bright sky. I think I see a cloud shaped like a pony. Yes, it is a rather serious business that I'm engaged in.
I can already feel my mood improving immeasurably. It's about time we got some weather like this!
happyFriday, April 13, 2007
8:01AM - Scattered
I woke up entirely too early yesterday to attend a nonprofit funding presentation. This has been the culmination of several weeks of work, helping a Boston educational nonprofit with its presentations to possible investors. I think they did pretty well and they definitely aroused a lot of interest. I didn't have much time to talk with them afterwards, but I feel confident that at least some of their funding targets. I was late to work today, but that didn't matter much.
Well not until I realized that I would be staying late in the office. But, just being there for moral support gave me a nice fuzzy feeling inside.
Yesterday, I also got word of my new staffing assignment. I'll be working for the Private Equity Group in May, with 75 hour weeks and accelerated learning curve. I think the best part about working such long hours is the focus on being very good at execution, the creation of slides and financial models as quickly as possible. I don't know that I'll enjoy it, but it's a good experience. Hey, maybe I'll find it cool enough to do for a while.
Time will only tell.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
8:11AM - Self Absorbed
I was rather idle yesterday at work. The manager was stuck on a flight to Boise so there wasn't that much work to be done. It gave me a lot of time to catch up on minor errands and read the news. I spent some time trying to put my retirement plan together today, which I admit I've been surprisingly deliquent at.
It leaves time to focus on more important things, like appreciating the vast improvement in Boston weather today.
I took a long walk and spent much of the day in a coffee shop in Back Bay people watching. It's wonderful way to spend a lazy afternoon, with nothing more than a stimulant of choice and a laptop to camoflauge your purpose there.
I doubt today will be as lazy, but hopefully it's equally wonderful. We'll see.
Monday, April 9, 2007
7:53AM - Wond'ring
A wonderful colleague of mine, a mentor and friend, left the firm on Friday to pursue a private equity job in Germany. It's an utterly amazing offer and no one blames him for leaving. In fact, the firm tossed in some money for a goodbye party. We went down to the local pub and had a couple. There were many hugs, not a small amount of crying.
But it is an essential part of business in this world. It is no longer possible to stick with the same employer for ten, twelve, thirty years. The oft quoted statistic that the average American will change jobs seven times over the course of his or her career has never been more starkly represented to me. I expect to change jobs in about three years and numerous times after that. And, perhaps even more so, the sending off of young ones to make their ways in the world is good business for the ones who sent them off in the first place. The hope is that they remember the firm that gave them their start and will bring business to them in the future.
It has made me thinking about how or if I'll leave the firm and what the future might bring.
coldSunday, April 8, 2007
8:48AM - Whirlwind
I've felt a little under the weather lately, lingering effects from a cold that I caught from a friend at work. I've been pushing a bit, trying to finish some presentations before the end of the case. My manager pulled me into his office a while back to try and convince me to stay on the follow on work. I'd have considerably more responsibility, a definite step up from before, plus no ramp up time to get used to the industry and the client. I don't think I'll stay on, because I think my professional development requires something entirely different, but it's a really nice gesture.
It's gratifying to know that I'm decent at my job or, at the very least, valued. I have friends, old and new, who I can hang out with on the weekends. I am building my profession network, strong and deep, both in Boston and across the entire country. By all objective terms, Boston is a wonderful place and I am extremely successful at this entire post college thing.
However, much more so than before, I feel like I am watching my life happen through a window. I can see and feel everything that is going on, but the pains and pleasures are muted somehow. I don't feel their intensity like I used to. It makes me wonder if something happened to me.
Thursday, April 5, 2007
8:00AM - Sore Throat
I've been bad lately about posting, primarily because I've been waking up exhausted and been pushed a bit at work. There's always more work to be done, I've found, and It has been said more than once that I need to pace myself.
Lots of things have been going on lately. A job offer to move to the South working in private equity, a friend who is trying to poach me for a rival firm. Not that I mind the attention, but honestly I know that I can't do it yet. I don't know enough, don't have the raw ability to do it right.
I've been randomly toying with the idea of starting a business lately...as if I didn't have enough to do already.
But for now, my greatest concern is my sore throat that was an annoyance yesterday and seems to be developing into something a little more serious today. I hope it doesn't keep me from working this week. Too much to get done.
Sunday, April 1, 2007
8:08AM - A Missive from the Capital
I'm very sore from walking around DC yesterday. Turns out I showed up just in time for the National Cherry Blossom Festival. Saturday was a pretty insanely busy day, what with the three museums and five memorials visited. By 4:30, I needed a nap and had a lovely one in an IMAX theatre while watching Sharks 3D
I crashed last night and would have expected to sleep in this morning, but somehow I am up at eight in the morning again, responding to emails and reading Bloomberg and the NY Times.
DC is a pretty city, no doubt about it, but something doesn't ring entirely true to me. Not so much the residential areas, but the center of DC seems designed to overwhelm with size and scale. Everything is so much larger than life...designed to be, I suspect. It is a planned grandeur that I sensed in the eighth grade and have come to understand now.
But it is stunning.
Friday, March 30, 2007
8:04AM - Fumes
I think that I am running surprisingly close to burnout here, not because I don't enjoy my job, but because I find myself forgetting tiny things that I would not normally have trouble remembering. Perhaps that's why my manager was so adamant in making sure that I took a vacation. I'm definitely losing a bit of an edge and will be glad for the break that I will have over the weekend.
hehFriday, March 23, 2007
7:39AM - Busy Friday
More than anything this morning, I want to sit with my feet kicked up and listen to Dave Brubeck all day long.
tiredSaturday, March 17, 2007
9:21AM - Drop by drop
I got into work yesterday at the unfortunate hour of 7:30 to prep for some conference calls I had at 8. I thankfully dodged the snow, which really started coming down in buckets after I got to work. Thankfully, I did not have to leave the building for some hours. The company carted lunch and beer in for everyone and started sending folks home at around 2. Being the workaholic I am, I decided to stick it out for a couple more hours to finish up some work (and catch some NCAA games). I had the rare pleasure of drinking a beer while working to the sounds of college basketball in the background. It was a little bit of an adventure getting home, but nothing too much to complain about.
Today is St. Patrick's day in Boston and I admittedly feel like crap. I did not sleep much last night and what sleep I did get was strangely restless. My stomach is upset and I am not looking forward to today in any measure. I don't think I'll be pub crawling. It remains to be seen whether or not I decide to leave the apartment.
A minor sadness as well. My supervisor is leaving consulting to go into a German private equity firm. I'll miss him.
crankyThursday, March 15, 2007
7:54AM - Rainy Day Post
It's raining outside, a fact that annoys me more than I can express. What makes it worse, is that the weather reports for California indicate 80 degrees and sunny. I definitely want to curl up into a ball and go back to sleep.
But work and meetings cannot wait, so day starts anew.
tiredWednesday, March 14, 2007
7:53AM - Reassuring Constants
It was a little more difficult than usual for me to get up this morning, evidence that daylight savings hasn't quite taken effect on my body yet. It just looks way too early outside for productive work to be done at this hour.
Nonetheless, work must be done. We just got our client update in on Monday, so now it's the lull before the storm again.
It means I have time to start thinking again, particularly about what I plan to do after consulting. I love my job and will likely stay for a third year. However, I cannot see myself doing this for the rest of my life. There's something about being an advisor for the rest of my life that hits a nerve.
The job paths that open up are clear enough, each deeply seductive. I once had much resolution as to where I would but now am uncertain where I stand with them anymore.
It's troubling/
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
11:50AM - Once and Future King
A rare work post.
Daylight savings time is yet another indication that life is out to get me. I woke up rather late yesterday, thinking that I was actually quite early...long story short I missed writing something which makes me a little annoyed. When I deviate too much from my routines, I tend to get screwed up for the day after. I'm okay with that during vacation, but during work days it's just an additional stressor.
On the other hand, I've finally acceded to my boss's "suggestion" that I finally take a vacation.
I think I really need it. Too much work and I'll be pushing burnout.
confusedFriday, March 9, 2007
7:55AM - Relativity
No post yesterday and I am entirely unapologetic for it.
I enjoy writing in this journal. I still think it clears my head in the morning, allows me to focus on what's important and what isn't. It's not really a record of my activities, so much as a record of my feelings on at a particular time.
Yet it is all too easy to delude myself that my journal is a universe unto itself. It isn't. It's an adjunct, at best a weak proxy for the infinite complexities that mundane activities like waking up, eating breakfast, and going to work bring.
Yesterday, a dozen work and personal things snowballed yesterday and landed at the same time.
I uncertain whether or not the weekend promises much in the way of sleep either. Curses.
tiredWednesday, March 7, 2007
7:50AM - Degrees of separation
Lately, on my morning commute, I've begun to observe people on the T. Reading is difficult while being jostled on both sides and occasionally give me headaches. Listening to music doesn't give me nearly enough to do. So being the slight voyeur I am, I spend my time looking at others and wondering about them.
There's always the a clutch of drowsy students, desperately studying for the test that they have in a couple minutes. There are the doctors and nurses who get off and Longwood Medical Center, in their scrubs the doctors always in blue and the nurses in bright prints. And there's the run of professionals heading into the Back Bay and Downtown to their jobs.
But the one that always attracts my notice is the wizened old shrew who always gets off two stops beyond me, who always sits alone and screams at anyone who gets too near. I've had the displeasure of getting in her way as she tried to exit T. She gave me a tongue lashing that knotted a dozen slurs related to age, ability to speak English, and mental ability.
And here I am tapping away at my Blackberry, while trying to read a purloined copy of the Metro. I could only laugh in her face as she charged by, prompting the other passengers to start giggling.
It was a most surreal moment.
blankMonday, March 5, 2007
7:49AM - Different Set of Rules
Another wonderful Monday has come to pass and I find myself really not wanting to go to work today. I know that once I get there, I'm going to enjoy it, but that initial burst of motivation is hard to summon up.
It's been a very long time since I last remembered my dreams, but last night I dreamed that I was walking along a very large, very barren salt flat. And that was it. No dreams of dying of thirst or anything like that...just walking.
If I were more inclined to dream analysis, I might think that it meant something...likely about the barreness of my life or some other drivel. As I stand now, it means I need to wake up earlier so I'm not bored when I sleep.
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